07 September 2004 - 19:58

"daniel is traveling tonight on a plane. i can see the red tail lights heading for spain. i can see daniel waving goodbye, oh it looks like daniel, must be the clouds in my eyes."

it's weird to be home. it feels like i was gone for so long, but at the same time it feels like i never left. i'm getting used to ssu and being a part of the culture that is so familiar and yet so foreign. the first things i noticed is how dead and dirty everything is here. august is a horrible month in california, and september isn't any better. the weather is miserable and hot and dry, even the plants and trees that aren't dead look like they are gasping their last breaths. the lifestyle here is so much faster, so much more stressful. there are people everywhere and no one takes the time to be polite. the traffic is terrible, the drivers are dangerous, and the roads are full of holes. so many people here are so poor, they look so worn out, like life has been so hard on them. they can't afford nice clothing or comfortable places to live. the people who can afford nice clothing look like hell too... the fashion trends here are really lame. i didn't like the fashion in sweden, i didn't like how much people cared about their looks and how much time and money and effort they put into their appearances... but they looked good. people here who put the same amount in get very different, very ugly results.

it feels really good to be home though, in a lot of ways. it feels good to be around all the things i missed so much. it's nice to go get mexican food and eat hummus and pita. it's nice to be around my friends, the people who i know so well, although i have been disappointed with them too... but that's another story. it's good to be with my mom and my sisters finally. it's going to be better when we (or i) can work out all the pain and misery that we've put each other through and finally try to fix the scars that still haunt me. i'm tired of feeling bad about myself all the time, and it's time to do something about it.

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